Okay, folks. In honor of the sheer volume of "....." that we all use in the crackchat, I have developed the following recipe:
Yeah, you heard me right, crackchat fudge. It's simpler than it looks and it's less likely to get stuck in your teeth than fudge with walnuts in, and it's really good, so if you have a sweet tooth here's how you make it. All units of measurement involved are of the non-metric variety, say sorry.
A three quart pot
A four quart pot
A wooden spoon or stirrer
A 9"x9" cake pan
Something to grease the pan with
A stove with operational burners- I've only ever tested this on gas stoves, so I don't know how well it works with electric
A candy thermometer- this MUST go up to 240 degrees, so don't try to use a meat thermometer!
2 1/2 cups granulated white sugar. NOT CONFECTIONERS SUGAR. You can substitute light brown sugar if you like but that's gonna taste different.
5 ounces canned evaporated milk. NOT CONDENSED. This is IMPORTANT. Sorry, Shadwell-mun.
7 ounces of Marshmallow Fluff OR two cups of miniature marshmallows. Despite the login I'm using, I do not recommend Stay-Puft brand. A, if they ever existed it was as a movie tie-in and B, I will not be responsible for your fudge stepping on a church.
One (1) stick of butter. Like, butter. I don't think you can get into Heaven if you use margarine in your fudge.
One (1) bag of chocolate chips, preferably semisweet- chocolate chip bags range in weight from 10.5 ounces to 12 ounces by brand.
One teaspoon of vanilla extract.
One two-ounce jar of decors/nonpareils/those little tiny candy ball things that people put on their ice cream and are too short to really be called sprinkles or jimmies.
HERE IS WHAT YOU DO:
1. Put the chips, the marshmallow product, the vanilla, and the dots in the four quart pot. Put this somewhere away from the heat. DO NOT FORGET WHERE YOU PUT THE PAN.
2. Put the five ounces of milk into the three quart pot.
3. Put the stick of butter somewhere that you will not forget it before it goes all gooshy.
4. Turn on the heat under the three quart pot. You want it on a medium flame.
5. As the milk starts to get good and warm, start adding the sugar. Stir it in carefully until all the sugar is dissolved in the milk. You could actually get away with dumping it in at one go, but it's kind of disturbing to see OMG GIANT SUGAR HEAP eeetybeetybitofmilk the first time you make this.
6. Start stirring. Keep stirring. You do not have to do this vigorously, but you do have to do it consistently. The goal here is to get the moisture to slowly boil out of the mix, without scorching the dairy solids and putting weird little burny flecks in the fudge.
7. At some point as you work, the mixture will suddenly realize- HEY! I'm REALLY REALLY HOT!, and then it will start to bubble and froth in earnest. Grab the thermometer and stick it in the pot so that you can read the temperature of your sugar/milk solution.
**IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT** Do not, do not, do NOT touch the solution or let it splatter on you. You are trying to get this stuff to the boiling point of sugar, i.e., 234 degrees Fahrenheit plus a bit. This causes second degree burns on contact. And those are BAD. So don't touch the burny, okay? Okay. **IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT**
8. When the thermometer informs you that your mixture has reached anywhere between 236 and 238 degrees Fahrenheit, turn off the heat and grab that butter from step 3. See, I told you not to forget it.
9. Put the butter into the sugar/milk mixture, smoosh it up with your stirrer, and start stirring. Do this for about thirty seconds; you will probably still have solid butter bits at the end but that's okay.
10. Carefully- without scraping the sides if you can avoid it- pour the sugar/milk mixture over the marshmallow/chocolate chip/vanilla/dots mixture until you've got as much as you can in one pot.
11. Put the sugar pan in the nearest available sink and fill it with hot water.
12. Start stirring the remaining pan's contents. You want to bring up the parts from the bottom and fold them into the stuff on top. You're aiming for a uniform consistency here, with as few streaks of marshmallow as possible. This may take a while but keep going. It'll be okay.
13. Once you're all done with the stirring, pour the contents of this pot into the greased 9x9 pan.
14. Set this pan on a counter or something to cool. Do not put it in the refrigerator or freezer.
15. In about an hour's time you should be able to cut a small piece from one corner. Do so. If the fudge is too gooshy for this to happen, you're probably going to have to boil the stuff longer next time.
16. Let the rest of the fudge sit overnight. If it hasn't oozed back into the cut site the next morning, congratulations, you've made a good solid recipe. Cut it up and serve it as you like.